The taillights burn red, they're hotter than hell, I've been long gone or couldn't you tell

So here we are. My last day of teaching. I'm looking around my pepto-bismol pink room that has been my home for two years thinking I've never seen so few things in here. My life has been condensed down to a red suitcase of middling size, a rust colored bookbag and a few plastic bags holding things which will soon leave my possession. What does it feel like to complete my service? I feel good, lost, confused, and a whole lot of other emotions that I can't really pin down. I'm leaving a life I've become accustomed to despite its challenges, errors and flat out backwardness. I don't know what I'll do not knowing how to get around in my space; how to define what it is I'm doing. But I know that there are those here who love me and want to see me. Some quotes from my kids this week;

"It would be easier to say goodbye to you if I were in 11th form and leaving school with you."
"If we're well-behaved in class today will you come back to us?"
"I'm going to miss you Miss Kari."
Reply after me asking a first grader if everythign was ok after he came up to me and just pressed his head against me, "NO! it's not ok, you're leaving. Who's going to teach us English?"

I'm going to miss my kids and have found myself crying a few days this week; there's a love there I can't explain. I'm going to miss walking the hallways and hearing hellos and getting hugs and seeing people genuinely excited to see me everyday. I'm going to miss calling my friends and laughing about Ukraine. I'm going to miss taking the tram to see people in center and meet for drinks and talk about our weeks. I'm going to miss giong to the bazaar with Druzhka and buying fresh vegetables and talking to babusiyas.

I'm sad to leave, I really am, and yet I know it's the best decision I could have made. Extending would've made me miserable. And I'm leaving with some really wonderful memories about what is happening here. I'm not sure what will happen to Ukraine in the future, but I know that my students will do wonderful things. I hope they will be the salvation for this country, but who can predict a thing like that..

So, the bags are packed, the celebrations had and planned and here I am in the interim waiting to see what my life will look like in my home country. A place I haven't really "lived" in 4 years. I'm looking forward to our reunion America, I hope I can find your secrets too. I hope I can start a new life there.

until we're reunited hugsandlove

I heard it on the radio that one day we'll be living in the stars

Days til COS medical and Halloween: 16
Days til I leave Lviv: 34
Days til my COS: 37
Days til America: 42

There's a lot to do these last few weeks: parties, paperwork, packing and a whole lot of goodbyes.

How does it feel this close to COS? Surreal. I'm not sure what the future will bring for me and I'm ok with not being completely organized with my life going home. Leaving an experience like this is difficult because you can't imagine your life in any other situation. It's similar to the feeling of coming to peace corps only you're not filled with the ideas of a new place, language etc.

I think sometimes what I would tell someone applying to peace corps or someone who has just found out that they're coming to Ukraine. What would I say to help them along?

In all honesty, I'm not sure there's anything that you can say over-archingly to prepare someone for it. There's so much about Ukraine that is so specific and living here is a real challenge in a lot of ways for someone from the American mentality. I don't think I could've better prepared for my experience here, a lot of living in peace corps is just learning as you go; and I don't think any one person is more prepared than any other. When I think of me two years ago, I would've told myself to chill out about the language. It will come, though it will be difficult. As one of my friends said when we were talking two weeks ago, no one has a bad or good experience in peace corps based on language skills. We all do enough to have a good experience and language won't tip the scales one way or the other, it generally just ends up being a status symbol.

You will survive. Whether it's village life or riding a really crowded marshrutka those moments are temporary and you will survive. Your service will be made of small small moments and you won't remember most of those tiny moments. My memory of Ukraine will always include the bad smells and crowded marshrutkas, but it will include a whole lot of other things that have nothing to do with my struggle in daily life.

I'm making it seem like life here is a battle and it is in so many ways, it's not that that's a negative thing. Americans always have a negative connotation with struggle. I find it to be challenging, stimulating and I feel like in some ways I get a real taste of life outside of teh first world here. I view life as a battle here, I really do and often express to my friend if I feel like I'm winning the battle or Ukraine is winning. Most days I am, but there are spurts where Ukraine can get me day after day. But winning feels really really good.

So, people coming to Ukraine, be ready to fight and struggle and be ready to be challenged. Love all the moments you are surrounded by those who care enough about you to help you through the struggle. Make an effort every day to make a good impression on those around you. My best story of the week comes from the secretary at my school. She told me she was waiting for a bus and had seen me walking in the center of town with a group of friends. We were hanging around a statue waiting for a friend to join us and my friends and I were joking and laughing and running around. She told me she had seen me laughing and smiling and it changed her whole day. She thought it was so wonderful how happy I was and how I was enjoying being with people I loved and wasn't afraid of showing that publicly. Sometimes, I think the best gift we can bring as Americans is a sense of positivity in an otherwise doubtful and malcontent world. I'm proud that the thing people will remember about me here is my kindness and my positivity. That's a pretty big accomplishment. We can all bring something about ourselves that is uniquely american, our work ethic etc. Do your best to figure out what it is you want to show to the people you interact with; that's the best preparation you can do for peace corps and maybe for life too. 

I've been a fool and I"ve been blind I can never leave the past behind

So here we are, the countdowns that is.

Days til COS medical and Halloween trip: 30
Days til I leave Lviv: 48
Days til I leave Ukraine: 51
Days til I'm back in the US: 56

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of me moving to Ukraine. Two years. Today, I did word association with a friend to ask her what she thought of first when she heard two years. She said she didn't have a word, only a faint feeling of wanting some sort of ethnic food. She returned the favour and asked me what my association was with two years. My response: awkward. I told her awkward can sum up about 95% of my life in Ukraine. I'm either feeling awkward, feeling awkward for someone else or just in general realising that the situations I find myself in on a daily basis are really awkward. For example, today about 15 of my students separately came up and petted me because my hair was curly. I appreciate their love, but mistaking me for an animal in a petting zoo makes me feel, you guessed it, awkward.

I wanted to write a story about my new 70 year old boyfriend Pan Roman. He's an old man who somehow met some peace corps volunteers in the middle of lviv. Wanting to get to know them better or talk to them he contacted the local government and got them to tell him where all the peace corps volunteers are. Well, not all, needless to say my name was on his list and he's been calling my school since April or so trying to talk to me in English...not for very long of course, but long enough for him to want to meet me. Pan Roman had been telling me every time I talked to him that he was "an old man, well not old but I will say middle aged." Pan Roman also called my school twice a week during summer to see if he could catch me at the time when I was there. He finally got a hold of me the second day of school to resume our conversations that had been going on in the spring. I agreed to meet pan Roman in center on a sunday afternoon and brought my friend, Blythe, along with me. We had exchanged numbers earlier so that if there were an emergency he could call my cell phone as I wouldn't be at school on a Sunday. And so, he had proceeded to call me that Friday night while I was at teh bar with friends to ask me about the name Daniel in English and to say he hoped I wasn't too bored in Lviv. I assured him I had friends and that he didn't need to worry.

On Sunday, he called about 2 hours before our meeting to tell me what he was wearing and to tell me that he walked with a cane. Blythe and I walk down to the center to meet him. I see an older man with a cane and a dark blue tshirt start smiling when he sees two girls obviously not Ukrainian walking up to him and starts saying, "america? America?" Pan Roman as sweet as he is had been lying to me; he was most definitely not middle aged he was most definitely around 70 years old. Nevertheless, I help him up off the bench he was sitting on and walk him while he holds my arm for balance to a cafe nearby with blythe walking near us. Blythe had asked me earlier how I had gotten to know him and I responded with the truth, "in all honesty, I'm not really sure how he found me. He just started calling and I never really knew how he got the number or anything."

We sit down with Pan Roman to discuss anything in English really while he buys us coffee and syrnyky (little cheese pancakes) He must have felt so proud sitting down with two young American girls. He ordered for us and pat the waiter on his hip in a somewhat knowing or charming manner. Blythe and I tried our best to keep giggles in. Upon getting his syrnyky covered in a sweetened sour cream he accidentally dumped his hand into the cream and when blythe alerted him to this he immediately started licking it up and says to us with a smile and a wink, "like a cat, no?" We talked for awhile about how he found me, his health, his life in Ukraine, our lives in Ukraine. A few highlights, Pan Roman's comment, "i have so much money and nothing to spend it on." I suppose this is the reason he wanted to take out two american girls. He also asked us if we were married or in love. He told us that all love is suffering. Blythe asked him if he had ever been in love. His response, "once when I was 20. She was married to a Russian officer. I may have caused problems there." Obviously, they did not married. But Pan Roman followed that up with the mention of his wife. I suppose we don't all marry for love. He also talked about learning English saying, "The best way to learn English is to marry an American woman. You will be so scared when she is yelling at you that you will have to learn what she is saying." Pan Roman also told us we could be late, "because your boys will wait for you." All in all it was a great time at the cafe He recited poems and limericks making sure I had copied down some and memorized others by heart to retell and teach to my students. We walked him back over to his bench and he took pictures with us. He told us that he was going to join his friends to play poker, but he didn't play with russians because they are cunning and will find a way to win. He handed me two reader's digest and let us go on our way.

A few days later, he called to make sure I had found the chocolate and talk again about our meeting and about life in Ukraine. This week he called to tell me a few things, one that he has a hard time sleeping and so he is goign to call me later at night. So you know, he had called at 10:00p and may be calling around then later. Also, to tell me that he had been thinking about Blythe and I. He had decided that Blythe was strong and clever and I was soft and so he worried about me in Ukraine and wanted to take care of me and of course give me more 10 year old readers digest.

Pan Roman has become a fixture of phone conversation these days. It's nice to know that every week I'll get a phone call or two from an older man who cares about me and just wants to talk to me before I leave. He is sad that we are leaving and I can tell he would've been so happy to talk to me during my whole service, but such is life we do what we have the opportunity to do. But for now, I have a wonderful 70 year old boyfriend who calls me regularly, brings me chocolate and readers digests and cares that I'm doing ok. I count myself pretty lucky, even if it is only for two and a half months. 

let the only sounds be the overflow pockets full of stones

So, numbers here they are

Days til my close of service physical exam: 38 days

Days til I leave Lviv: 66

Days til I leave Ukraine: 69

Days til I am in the United States: 74

appts. scheduled with peace corps office in the last 2 days: 12

appts. still to schedule with the peace corps office: 3

appts still to have with peace corps apart from those scheduled: at least 3

So, the words here they are. . .

I'm leaving, leaving sooner rather than later. And I'm in the midst of doing everything to get ready to do that leaving. What does leaving peace corps feel like. . . a little like coming to peace corps, a little more stressful (the feeling of real life is pounding on that door), a little less American ( I feel that way, I am that way), the want to rediscover what America is and what it means. . . people always say peace corps taught them to live with less, I find it makes people want more. Like, Peace corps has taught you that you can live without a car, but chances are after 3 hour marshrutka rides you really want that car these days. I could be wrong.

How am I feeling: Good, accomplished, so far on top of the tasks that need to be accomplished. My DOS is two paragraphs from being finished, my site evaluation form is already finished and the majority of my paperwork is yes finished. Or at least, finished as much as it can be until October.

How are my students feeling: You're leaving in November and never coming back? NOT EVEN FOR LAST BELL????? How about you extend your contract? My go to response is the following, "my mom would be really mad if I didn't come home." A world where you do not want to come back to Ukraine doesn't exist for my kids.

How is it getting a schedule with students you like working with AWESOME: I'm currently teaching younger kids english (bonus they're way more fun to work with so 1-5 grade english) AND 5-11 grade French. Now if the hours get moved around next week so I have Fridays off and no class Thursday so I can work with the militia I'll be ecstatic! Updates on that later. If I've learned one thing in Peace Corps it's that during these two months I have the right to say nope sorry can't do it; I just can't do it.

My fifth form is loving French so much. I want all of them to be little polyglots. I suppose they already are, they know ukrainian and russian and a decent amount of English. Now french and they speak the universal language of hugs and stickers too.

This is a throw away blog about numbers and such. One I've been waiting to do for a long time. The next one I promise will be more pensive maybe even more entertaining.

loveandhugs

left the vagabonds a trail of stones forward to find my way home

Late summer realizations:

I prefer hanging out on my wood floor over my bed or chair. I'm not sure if this is because the chair and bed are that uncomfortable or that I've gotten so used to stiff, ill made chairs and beds that the floor actually feels like the luxe edition of the furniture. Sometimes, I feel like the caveman character people find who can't go to bed in the modern furniture and much prefers to sleep outside on the ground. . . that being said, if my wood floor is luxe, the fivestar suite is my tile bathroom floor.

Listening to more modern electro music a la passion pit and friendly fires immediately makes me feel like I should be shopping in a gap. Listening to anything with an accordion, brass band and clarinet makes me feel like I should be riding a bus or getting off a train. . . music dislexia or rather misappropriation.

I understand way too much of ukrainian, russian and other slavic languages to not notice when it slips into american pop culture like movies, tv shows, etc which is a surprisingly high amount. It only slightly ruins it and slightly makes it better. Polish still just sounds like Ukrainian with extra sh sh sh sh sounds.

I feel a kinship to people who lived in gulags which is borderline inappropriate given the fact that I've never suffered any kind of political oppression or soviet regime. But, you know, some similarities.

I'm surprised when my beer, water, coke and or anything that would normally be cold is cold. And, I'm not talking when it's really cold I'm talking when it's slightly refrigerated above room temperature I get surprised and feel the need to comment to other people. I'm so excited for ice and tap water I can hardly stand it.

I can tune into someone having an English conversation from about 20-30 feet away. This skill is going to make me an ultra creeper when I get back to America. I can pick out non-Ukrainians almost as well as a native ukrainian. Integration - check!

I miss home, I want to go to there. Today a girl who has applied for the same day as I have posted that it's 100 days until the hopeful COS date. That means America in less than 110. Egatz!

loveandhugstoall

but falling into my bed at night I think man it was a beautiful day to stay the same

Adventures in Odessa and Novodnistrovsk:

Once Upon a Time I took a trip with my two friends and fellow PCVs Joe and Meaghan.

Scene 1: Meeting in Kyiv. Joe took the GRE and Meaghan lives close by to Kyiv. We met at a pizza restaurant where Meaghan and I bragged about how much squash bread we had made. She made it with Kabachok (a light green zucchini like thing) me with pumpkin.

Scene 2: the train we all talked and made our beds rejoicing in our newish train car that had a window that opened. The ukrainian in the one bunk we didn't use closed it during the night. Joe being awesome opened it and stuffed his pillow in the way so the Ukrainian couldn't close it all the way. THe Ukrainian promptly wrapped his head in a turban like sweatshirt to not get the draft at night. Score one for train car comfortability.

Scene 3: Arrival in Odessawe tiredly walk to the hostel where I immediately scope out the shower and we hang around til we decide it's time for an adventure

Scene 4: Thai restaurant. Joe's never had thai, the closest he's had is american chinese food. He looks freaked. He's a good sport and rocks some chicken noodles. Meaghan and I delight and people watch and teach Joe about the importance of a bra that fits and is supportive. Joe feels like we've ruined boobs for him. I feel like he can take it, so does Meaghan, we show him no pity

Scene 5: Hostel owner tries to get us to come to a Ukrainian dinner that his gf's mother cooks it's 100 grv way over priced. Then he tells us people backed out so they need more. We slyly sneak out and have georgian food instead (WITH CILANTRO AND SPICE) also georgian lemonade is delicious bring it to lviv!

Scene 6: We walk around town all day. We find the special chair from Soviet movie that I don't really remember what it's about something about riches being stored in chairs. This explains more abotu how ukrainians save things than I would care to explain. We see men with mail order girlfriends a common thing in Odessa, it annoys us. We admire how beautiful and clean the city is and love the diversity. We go to the large bazaar which is SO clean. Meaghan gets an amazing shirt that says, "say me yes." We both buy captains hats for our friends at home.

Scene 7: we walk to the seaside port and see the wonders of the famous steps of odessa, apparently also in a soviet film. we get some gelato and enjoy along our walk.

Scene 8: Meaghan and I decide to go to the bar with some other english speakers. Bar has american atmosphere. Meaghan and I "hold court" aka getting surrounded by men who want to stand by us and talk nonsense considering my ukrainian might be better than theirs and they some can't speak english. Thus begins a 2 hour attempt to get us to play alligator (russian charades?) and them buying us lots of drinks. "I'm Irish, can't you tell I have a red beard and a hat." I didn't know that was the requirement but there it is

Scene 9: We wake up and bring meaghan to the train station after a thrilling round of jeopardy games that amused everyone in the common room including the hostel owner. Being the coolest people in the hostel is tough. Train station highlights include playing charades with Meaghan through the window and seeing a man with a fanny pack shaped pocket on the back of his jeans. Why did I not get a picture. . maybe joe did? Then we saw a typical eastern european brass band with clarinet etc. in navy gear greeting the train from Moscow

Scene 10: Joe and I leave Odessa

End Act I - Odessa

THe rest of the trip was hanging and laughing with Joe.

If you ever come to Ukraine as I'm sure all of you will. I highly suggest Odessa as a destination! Delightful

Coming home updates:

COS date requested

COS packet received

COS Conference in T-minus 18 days

loveandhugstoall

there's a note underneath your front door that I wrote 20 years ago. yellow paper and a faded picture and a secret in an envelope

And so it begins: the ups and downs of a summer day in Ukraine

Let's try and go every other for this: but in all honesty, this will be a little heavy on the downs although it's not so much downs and just challenges.

First off: the beginnings of the COS paperwork have been sent out and that is definitely an UP! This means that I'm starting the final paperwork for me to return to America. Heyo!

a down: I was cornered and groped on the city bus on my way to meet my friend in center. This isn't necessarily something that isn't commonplace in fact it very much is commonplace but all the same this one was a tad more aggressive and ended in me having to push the guy and his wandering hands off of me. Sometimes I get tired of it. I suppose that day was just today.

an up: I finished my time with the militia, at least for now. I'm on break until September and I'll be heading tonite actually to Odessa with two of my friends who I hardly ever get to see here!! So I'm looking forward to a warm vacation in the south of Ukraine filled with the joy of lots of laughs and fun times.

a down: Yesterday, was really hot like really really miserable hot. I've taken to sleeping on the floor of my bathroom as it tends to be cooler on tile than in my bathroom, however less comfortable and so the sleep is not as good as it should be, but such is life.

an up: I rode in 2nd class yesterday on the train. Normally, I take 3rd class which is something akin to a cattle car. The best parts about second class: air conditioned and the bed was long enough that my feet didn't stick out and get knocked by people walking by. Also, there were no people walking by because it's a private compartment! Win!

a down: Blythe and I made a recipe out of Baba's cookbook which was absolutely in every way disgusting. . . that always feels like a waste of money

an up: I've been able to successfully sit in Coffee House for 5 hours of free internet without being bothered which I find to be delightful in every way possible. Even better, it's air condtioned.

a down: WE picked up the tshirts yesterday and while this should be an up there were a lot of problems with the way they treated blythe, the shirt sizes and one being damaged. ugh such is life.

an up: I got all the info necessary for my OCS banking info they may actually give me money

I think ending on an up note is good so I'll leave it at that. I'm hoping that next week's entry will be slightly more exciting and include some fabulous details of my vacation to Odessa and my first glimpses of the black sea with Meaghan and Joe!

loveandhugs

hung up in the ivory, both were climbing for a finer cause love can hardly leave the room with your heart

Summer is here. . . and I actually have time off! Can you believe it? I'm not sure I can in all honesty.

SO this entry will be less fun more introspective. It's getting real that we're leaving (have I been saying that for the last three months?) The remnants of the group before us are getting fewer and fewer and we're here as the oldest group in country. More real is that people are starting to look at job opportunities including myself I guess. I started cleaning out my old apartment today. Finishing my large wardrobe and desk. I have a huge bag of clothes and shoes ready for the women's center and a bag for another volunteer and a bag of trash and a bag that will keep me til i leave in hopefully 4 months. I even started packing the small suitcase I'm using with the things I want to bring home. The more I get rid of the better it feels and more manageable for later. Knowing I won't be hauling things all over to get rid of them is a certain sort of comfort.

After meeting up with some PCVs and their parents I've really started to think about the skills I've learned in Ukraine:

Patience and Self Control in my expectations for others: When I lived in America and especially when I was younger I expected everyone to fall into my own timeline. Being in Ukraine has taught me that while realistic goals and timelines are important and sometimes people can take a few more days to stew and the project won't be the worse for it. I don't expect instant gratification, in terms of service, help or anything. Instead, I take control of what I can and let the rest go. I've learned to not act out and rather look into myself when I think about how I'm reacting to a situation. If something bad happens, my reaction time has gone down. It takes a littler longer for me to react and that in some ways is a source of self control.

And so, those are my reflections for today about life in Ukraine and what I've learned thus far. As I think more and more about service I'm sure these will be just the beginning but for now I'm happy, happy to have experienced and learned, happy to have met wonderful supports in my life and happy that this will add to my life for the rest of it.

loveandhugs

Emotional Control: I don't feel anymore that I'm an emotional being. I've realised that my emotional health has steadied here. I dont' react as strongly to anything and my default emotion is contentedness and surprise when things go well. It's a treasured thing to get a smiling person at a store or politeness on the street or professionalism when I'm dealing with businesses. Those small glimmers give me hope for Ukraine.

Deeper Appreciation for America: I don't want it to seem that Ukraine is only badness and so I've learned to treasure what i have at home or something that is good in the day and I can put up with a lot more, but that is indeed the case in some ways. Ukraine isn't only badness, in fact, I find a lot of positive in it. That being said, I've never treasured the way I was raised and the place I was raised in more. I think, I was allowed and encouraged to think for myself and to solve the problems that I encountered on a daily basis with critical thinking skills. I appreciate my education and my civic education and the freedoms I was granted as a child to develop as I wanted.

Living Simply is gratifying: I complain a lot about public transportation, but in all honesty I don't mind the hour I get on the tram to sit and look at the city and just be. I'm so much more comfortable in my own existence. I'm at home with my own thoughts and these days I think of myself as pretty good company for myself. luxuries seem greater when life is simple.

Standing up for myself in personal and professional relationships: I'm still working on this, but thanks to the help of many of my friends in peace corps who have taught, modeled and encouraged me to do this; I feel more confident voicing my needs and standing up for myself and not being afraid to say "No."

I'm really good at being an objective listener and reading people/situation: I think that this is what I've learned in the last few years that has really effected how I interact with people. I have realised that I can really read people and their tendencies, needs, etc. pretty quickly once having met them. That being said, I can read a situation someone is describing to me about a problem as well. I have never felt so trusted by people as I do here and with that I feel a responsibility to that trust. It makes me feel good that this ability can help me put people at ease with me and I can help others.

My face and facial expressions lend people to think I'm a little bit more helpless than I may be: Older people in Ukraine ALWAYS want to help me with things. Whether it's helping me find the right bus or tram or helping me with my tickets or store purchase. They always speak to me with a comfort and care that I associate with family members. Most often I get called sunshine, sometimes ladies sing to me, sometimes they give me a little extra fruit or vegetable for cheaper just because. They always ask me if I'm warm, what I've been doing etc. It's nice to be cared about by strangers in a world that can be kind of harsh.

I've got halos made of summer and ribbons made of spring

The Ways in which Summer has welcomed me back to Ukraine post-familial Italy Visit

1. The smell of the latrine outside my building. Nothing says summer like the stewing smell of a latrine in the heat; makes me feel like Girl Scout Camp all over again. Thanks for the nostalgia friendly neighbor you make waking up at 7 and walking to school that much more like childhood.

2. My first trip back within Ukraine was of course my marshrutka ride home. . . my second was, of course, the tram. Yes, we're back to the beloved tram story. Well, there are two the first was my first tram ride back in country where my tram stopped in the middle of the busiest intersection in town in terms of marshrutka and tram crosspaths. Why you may wonder did my tram stop. Oh, because some one got a little lazy parking and crossed over into the tram line so of course we couldn't move. THe best part really isn't that my tram stopped for so long. It was that my tram driver just laid on the bell, as in ding ding ding goes the trolley bell. After about five minutes of that not working (I know you're shocked) She just decided to get out; so did about half the elderly male population. Some of them tried to move teh car adrenaline style, that didn't work and it set off the alarm. Which also didn't work to call the guy out. Mostly, because everyone in Ukraine has the same generic car alarm anyway. So, after about 7-10 minutes of waiting the guy whose car it is finally gets in and gets it going; old men and trolley driver yelling the whole time. These old men, best part, not even wanting to ride on the tram. After we got going they just kept walking on their way. Thanks for help trying to move the tram dudes I appreciate it!

2b. Tram story number two (don't these make you want to ride the tram) I am riding the tram home from Blythe's and a guy gets on about 2 stops before I get off the tram and sits in front of me he keeps looking back (I figure he's doing it because there's an African guy on the tram and Ukrainians tend to stare at minorities) I'm as always enjoying the soundtrack that is my ipod. I get off the tram and I here some one yelling, "excuse me, excuse me miss, Sorry miss," in Ukrainian. I ignore my soundtrack is going I like to speed walk home it's a nice slightly downhill walk where I don't have to watch out for much (except for the obstacles soon to be mentioned in story 3). So then, I feel a grab at my arm and pull away quickly releasing myself. The guy apologizes and says excuse me about 50 times interrupted by a few good evenings in the middle of the excuse me's. He then tells me not to worry because he's already on his way back to the tram because his stop is actually three stops later (reassuring, sir, reassuring) it definitely makes someone seem less creepy when they tell you not to worry they were just following you off the tram. So he explains that he saw me on the tram and had to follow me off because he felt this desire to get to know me and he's already leaving to get back on the tram but if he could just have my number we could get to know each other. What is my response, "I'm sorry I don't understand you." in my thickest american accent. And so what is the logical response to that obviously, "where are you from?" asked of course in Ukraine. I respond not here (like here like literally this place where I'm standing) he goes, what do you mean not here, I respond not from this place I'm standing not from lviv. I, then, proceed to walk away. He proceeds to not go back to the tram as he promised but instead follows me by about a block behind towards my normally quiet and peaceful walk home.

3. Summer brings a lot of things, new crops of fruit and veggies, new flowers, new weather, new spirit and apparently new roadkill. I know you all really enjoyed the series of suicidal ginger cats. It seems that dead pigeon season has hit lviv. I've counted no less than 8 dead pigeons on my walk to school, tram, center, etc. the past 2 weeks. Thanks Uraine you've really taught me to recognise and appreciate seasonal change, what will I do when I go back to the US without all these markers.

4. Ukrainian men think that summer means that they can approach you and talk to you. Even if you tell them you don't understand anything they're saying and even if they're with their girlfriend. Note story number 2b. Second recommendation: Blythe and I are shopping in the Lviv Opera Market buying some fresh cherries and strawberries (another seasonal sign of summer) and a drunk man is behind us in line. Normally, this is nothing really to worry about but he does stumble a bit so I tell blythe to move closer to me just in case. He notices that I pull blythe over and says, "sorry girls." we ignore and go on our way thinking we are clear of drunk man. We head to the indoor market where he proceeds to stare at us. Blythe tends to get a little more unnerved than I do. So we high tail it out of the market and head towards lunch. We take some winding paths to avoid another creeper on the street who has grabbed me before in public (it's always nice to recognise the creepy men who grab you by face and location! why hello sir, nice to see your aggressively wandering hands again. No but seriously, stay away) So, about 10 minutes later we decide on a place to sit and who comes up but our creepy drunk starer from the market. He sits down and stares you know normal. We are then approached by an ice cream vendor offering us two ice creams as a present. Blythe being the ever keen observer noticed that the creepy man had bought them. what then ensues is an exchange between us and the ice cream. Us saying no thank you, him saying please take them I don't want to throw them away etc. While it is extremely hot out sir, buying an ice cream really makes you seem like a stranger danger sit from kindergarten, but thanks for the gesture. Still not taking it.

4b. Waiting for Blythe at the market a man in a bright orange shirt comes up to me. He goes on a long speech whatever *please note I was wearing my ipod headphones. I tell him I don't understand what he's saying. He apologizes saying that I look sooooo much like a Ukrainian girl he never would've known (not necessarily a compliment). I tell him I don't speak Ukrainian well, he tries in Russian, that doesn't work either. It's a pretty normal exchange minus him telling me how happy he is to meet an American. The only weird thing is he is with his girlfriend like I'm kind of looking at her sometimes as she stands off in the corner and then he asks for my number. I'm not really sure how these things work here in a lot of ways but I'm pretty sure asking for a chicks' number in front of your girlfriend it's pretty inappropro. Holding her hand while walking away makes it awkward for me. . .

And, so, I'm back to the glories of Ukrainian life, including summer uniforms for the police which are no longer super navy dress blue but AWESOME grey linen with matching pants (WIN!)

missall

loveandhugs

You came out of the ocean like you came out of a dream. Your voice, it sounds familiar but you are not what you seem.

A walk home from work on a spring day:

- Weather can make or break a walk. Apparently, so can road construction.

- Let us take a moment to mourn suicidal ginger cat who succeeded in his plan today. In all honesty, I don't know if it was that ginger cat, but a ginger cat was dead on the side of the road. I was walking home and in all honesty, look to your left living cat, look to your right before you almost step on a cat that was almost hit by a car. I'm sad to say this is not the first time I've almost stepped on a dead cat in Ukraine, in fact, not even the second time I've almost stepped on a dead cat. Luckily, I've never made contact. The worst part is now I'll have to really avoid that section of my walk because lord knows no one is picking that thing up and I prefer to watch decomposition on video rather than up close and personal on my daily walks.

- I now realise what it was like for women in the 1910s during world war I that lived near the trenches. They have started to dig a long trench, by they I mean some sort of city workers and or private construction company. There's nothing quite like the feeling of about thirty men lined up digging in a trench when all you can see is about chest up while they ogle, whistle, tell one another that you are passing etc. I'm getting the impression that they feel most comfortable ogling from the trench, less chance of bodily harm that way.

- tomorrow I will be beginning the lessons on medical emergencies with the militia, this means we need to learn parts of the body. This can only end in bad places.

-Any day is made better by the assistance of your ipod. Every day of my life in Ukraine I appreciate my ipod, my ability to download new music, and the volume abilities of my ipod more and more.

- Birdsong is always welcome. As is the appearance of a blanket of crocus and snow drops.

- Today I saw a small boy covered in dirt standing at a gate staring at babas on the sidewalk. Stereotype fulfilled.

welcome to the warmth of the sun and the wonders of a nice wind and breeze

loveandhugs

well you never walk alone and you're forever talking on the phone

Adventures in Tram Riding:

- Admiring the view of spring time suicidal ginger cat looking like it's going to pounce out of the 4th floor circular attic window. In all fairness the others were filled with trash so perhaps it was doing some spring cleaning or mouse hunting among the wreckage, but it looked pretty suicidal to me.

- When riding trams in Lviv; try to avoid the seats that face eachother. creepy men will inevitably sit across from you and mumble at you the entrie ride despite the fact that you have yet to answer anything they have said to you and have strategically placed earphones in your ears. It doesn't matter that my ipod battery ran out 4 stops ago, respect my earphones they are there to deter you from talking to me.

- The number six tram is always crowded from where I live to the south end of town no matter what stop i get on on. I will accept defeat

- Loud obnoxious teenage tourists will always cut in front of you in the "fairy tale line" you're trying to create to buy your ticket. They are cooler than you and no matter your scowl they will not feel guilty. Win one for tourists teenagers lose one for me.

- While waiting at the stop for the tram laughing to yourself perhaps audibly because you saw something that strikes your fancy makes you seem crazy. People, even if your dressed nicely, will assume you are homeless and crazy and won't want to sit next to you on the tram. Lose one for the publics perception of you; win one for extra seat on the tram next to you that no one will take!

- when you are sitting on the tram often the tram vibrates, it's not your phone ringing no matter how many times you check it.

- babas will win in the fight to get up the stairs. they have bags not because they have to cart things but because they are awesome weapons for getting in front of you and the baba will win, she probably has fought for a place in line for apartments, trains, bread etc. for longer than you have been alive surrender to her supremacy

- The feeling of being on a disney world ride d.j.-ed by your own personal ipod soundtrack will never go away. Relish in it, it's WAY better than the crowded bus ipod on only to remain sane while six people are inappropriately rubbing against you soundtrack.

- you're probably going to have to wait anywhere from 10minutes to 40 minutes for the tram to come. It's a really nice time for self reflection and enjoying the comedy that is wild dogs guarding random buildings and barking at strangers.

- Always remember to punch your ticket in the puncher watching other people get cornered by the control check babas is fun from afar but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that probably wouldn't be fun for you. that being said nothing like the mellodrama of a 17 yr old student crying so that she doesn't have to pay the fine as they escort her off the tram. It's like watching days of our lives but in a language I dont' really understand. I fill it in with what I think is appropriate like, "but I love horatio why must I get off this tram so I can't meet him." "He is the father of your cousins baby you cannot be with him." "I will take my milk and smetana and other groceries from the grandmothers that would've been our wedding feast and find a new tram to him." "no we will corner you even outside until you give us your documents we will save you yet." Commercial interlude, by commercial I mean the tram keeps going and my ability to insert dialogue is gone.

Thanks Lviv Tram system you make any day better because I know you present the option for me to not only save 1 grv per ride but avoid smelly standing in the marshrutkas. Here's to you !

where is my wild rose where is my flower where is my wild rose where are you rambling

There is something about a spring day. . . a spring day that will tickle your face with its soft fingers, fill your lungs with some sort of magic warmth after a bitter cold that left them feeling empty and frozen and sprinkle its melting water on you as you walk through the city needing the small drops of the last vestiges of winter to bring you back down to earth so that you may reconnect with teh warmth of the newness you were forgetting in your daze.

Today was arguably the first real day that it felt like spring and I was able to venture out into the city with just my fall coat on, no gloves, hat, etc. It's amazing what fresh air and sunlight can do to the soul. It's even more interesting how different Ukrainians react to it than I do. Most people I saw, though, of course, there were exceptions were in the same coats, hats etc. they would be in in the dead of winter although today was somewhere around 50/55 degrees. Such is life, well such is life here. I picked up a pair of sunglasses in honour of the beginning of warm weather.

What can I say about life in Ukraine. Life is . . . . busy? I recently had a site visit from my new regional manager which went a lot better than i had expected. I have to say that she's extremely excited and supportive about the work being done by all the PCVs in Ukraine and I think she's right on about nipping all the bad talk amongst volunteers in the bud. She had great feedback for my lessons and was really happy with my work. It was nice after hearing all the volunteer buzz that someone from the office likes my work, thinks I'm a good example of a peace corps teacher and is happy with my overall commitment to Peace corps. Proof again, that everyone's experience here is different and doesn't have to involve the same experiences.

School life at my school of primary assignment is good and bad. Good because most of my classes are going well and bad because everyone is dying for spring break which thank goodness is a week away and the kids are getting spring fever and I can tell the older grades are starting to check out. The nice part about the week of spring break being where it is is that this week I teach 4 days. Then I don't have to see the kids for teh week and then it's almsot april which makes life a whole lot more bearable.

My secondary work at the banking institute continues to go well although it's still early and so there hasn't really been time for any issues to crop up in all honesty. The classes are good and the students are motivated to learn which helps makes me feel a bit more useful than just doing whatever.

My work at the militia is progressing as best as possible. Minus the weekly surprise visits from some random news outlet i would say that all in all its been a rewarding experience to get to work with the adults in the town. I'm seen as a small girl not capable of much, but they challenge themselves to learn the phrases and questions I put ahead of them and I find it flattering to know that they put the effort in to learn where they definitely didn't before. It's good work and maybe some tourist will have an easier time because I was able to help with some English.

My peace corps work isn't taking over but has increased a hundred fold since fall. I'm now co-facilitating the regional collaborative, doing warden stuff, writing a piece for a young learners' manual, doing some presentations at the meet your neighbor meeting about collab and warden info and trying to organize so oblast wide social outings and volunteering outside of our primary organizations.

And so that leads to the rest of life here in Ukraine. With just about 8 months to go I find myself wondering where the time went while simultaneously amping up about my future in America. The best part about spring coming is that it has granted me the greatest gift of all distraction. Although I must say, I've been somewhat disappointed that it hasn't come all at once. That the leaves and the fresh vegetables and flowers of spring haven't started bursting out of nowhere on teh first day of warmth just because the sun has come out. I suppose they're a little more like Ukrainians in that way. It takes a few weeks for them to shed their layers and start emerging in spring wear and excitement. I have a countdown to Italy going something like 60 days left until I head out to meet up with my family . . . unreal is all I can say about that. Unreal.

so there it is for now. Nothing too new or exciting. I've started to dream about america and then when I'm conscious I get scared of going back. . . such is the dichotomy of the transition I suppose.

loveandhugs toall

and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know

I know it's amazing two blog updates in one month, let alone one week.

The past week has been a daze of running around. Not that I don't mind being busy, but hours upon hours have been added to my schedule the past few weeks not allowing for anytime for me to really experience anything more than needing to be "on" and fighting back constant fatigue. I suppose it's normal for people in this position and I try not to let it ruin my mood. Being busy can only serve to make me more productive or at least I would hope.

Most peace corps volunteers seem to fill time with projects and working groups; tv and movies; books and work and travel. I do all of this too, well maybe minus projects BUT the thing that I've found most fulfilling in peace corps has been the personal growth I've been able to accomplish. I've learned to balance social life with work life. I've learned to turn it on, learned to support other people in their own dreams and mostly I've learned that just being friendly and smiling has done more for my work here than anything I could've ever done in the classroom. I feel that way with peace corps volunteers too. Peace Corps Ukraine or at least the volunteers sometimes feels a little bit like middle school, and for all the goodness that having so many volunteers in one country brings, I feel like sometimes it does a lot to undercut people's confidence in themselves and the work they are doing. I know I'm not the best teacher in peace corps, there are far more people who are much more skilled than I am and implement things much better than I do. That being said, I feel much worse about myself when I hear other people's views of what I'm doing. I know that I'm social, I arrange get togethers. But most of this is for the sake of getting to know people and letting them know that they have someone they can talk to and who will listen without judging their projects. That I think is rare in peace corps. If I could leave one imprint on my students it would be to work for their country if I could leave one imprint on my community it would be the value of happiness in every day life and if I could leave one imprint on the peace corps community it would be to take a step outside yourself and look to support those around you and encourage teamwork among volunteers.

These days I've gotten another bout of homesickness, these seem to coincide most times with a group either having their COS conference and/or leaving. Seems normal that someone else heading home would put that into my head. This time it's the last group to leave before my group heads out. I'm amazed at how many of us there still are. 101 volunteers from my group still active out of I think 114/117 who swore in. It's unreal to me that we haven't lost more. I wonder if more will leave for grad school. I know there are some people who openly voice that they will. But I will hold on hope to be reunited with those who mean the most to me at our COS conference. And meanwhile, I'll be fighting through the homesickness until May when I'm reunited with the family. How unreal is that, only 3 short months until I see them.

loveandhugs to all

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes

So here we are and it is mid February and I can hardly believe it. The winter has passed faster than I could have imagined at its outset as I dreaded the short days and long nites of bitter cold and snow. And so far, while there have been challenges the world seems to be softening under the warm temperatures and regular appearances of sunlight glistening between bare branches.

It is amazing how changed my life is from last winter. I walk to school now after a change of living situation following the incident at my old place. And now, I find that my mornings have a new sense of peace and quiet to them I never had when I was merely alone in my apartment. The feeling of walking every day to work allows me a sense of me time that was heretofore not a part of my life except in the small doses of walks to wherever I may have to go that day. I will say that the ability to enjoy this time comes mostly from the fact that I have my ipod. I remember once I listened to Ben Stein speak at my university and he spoke about how spoiled teh current generation is and he referenced the fact that not even the richest most privileged kings of past could carry a symphony with them wherever they went. I immediately thought of Handel and his water music to make the kind of perhaps argument of the first prototype of trying to have an ipod with you. Nevertheless, he's right, it's a kind of luxury that hasn't been imagined before and teh ability to create my own universe inside teh shared universe I live in has become a mainstay in my life here and of course in America too. It's the one way I feel like I can block out the hustle and bustle of life in the modern world. Odd that it takes a piece of modern technology to get me into the Zen place of disconnect. I suppose that's something that a lot of people are searching for in their spiritual lives. I find it in music and given my past it doesn't surprise me that that's the venue where it is most possible.

Life is twisting and turning and I feel with a new sense of urgency the need to start thinking about my readjustment to the states. one can only live in teh moment for so long when an international move is on the horizon. I met some other Americans the other day, wives of basketball players who play on teh European scene specifically Lviv. I felt like america and all its personalities was shoved in my face and I felt the need to decompress afterwards feeling a little scared and a little put off while feeling a little bit at home with it. I live some how in this in between; I'm not fully American in my ways and I'm definitely not fully Ukrainian and so I'm living in teh borderlands of two cultures both of which scare me in some senses. I worry sometimes about my readjustment; my change of expectations and the worries of information dumps that are surely awaiting me. It's gotten to the point here, as I'm sure i've said that I don't know what I'm missing, I dont' remember what things are like in some sense and I don't know exactly what I should be expecting. The girls I was with yesterday had an ipad. I've never even seen one in person. I've read about them a little, but other than that my knowledge is about the same as a person who's seen a picture of a television but has never watched one. Somedays I feel like a luddite. A little afraid of technology and wary of its presence in my life.

Here's to the next 9 months of preparing and getting myself ready for my next adventure and for finding a little solace now and again in the simplicity of music.

hugsandlove to all

she grew up good she grew up slow like american honey

It seems a good time to update the journal a whole new year and a whole new month of new experiences some good some bad but mostly new and exciting.

December passed in a haze of craziness: First, my aunt Teri came to visit. Easily the best week of my life in Ukraine to date. It felt almost like a different Ukraine then the one I had been living in and i was able to experience things with new eyes and felt the love that only comes with family.

Second, a week of quarantine where I was able to just do whatever I wanted. Then came my birthday party and the event of the season when in the middle of the nite 3 guys broke into my house punched me in the face and broke my nose and hit my friend over the head with a metal toy gun before the men could push them out of my apartment and made things safe again. Following the event, I was taken to Kyiv for medical and emotional watch. The week in Kyiv was unreal. I spent the day of my birthday in the car on the way to Kyiv and enjoying a Chinese dinner with Blythe who accompanied me there. I spent Christmas with our Programming and Training Director and his family which was really really really fun! And then when I returned to Lviv I had two days to move out of my apartment into a new one and then head to Egypt.

The week in Egypt was exactly the recharge I needed. Tanning relaxing and being with some of my best friends in an environment I never really thought that I'd experience in my life. I was able to do so much including riding a camel (easily one of teh highlights).

now I'm back in Lviv and back to teaching. Looking out into the calendar realising that I can't say I'm leaving next year but THIS year kind of scares me/excites me etc. The best part is is that my calendar is filled with things to look forward to. I've only just arrived back at school and I have only a few weeks of teaching left in the month of January partly due to the fact that I'll miss three days to do my mid-service medical exam in Kyiv next week. After that it's one short month of February and then my parents may/may not come. April may have a visit and May I'm headed to Italy to be with the family all together! I can hardly believe after that I've finished my last full semester in Ukraine and I'm into summer where I'll be loving every single minute of knowing that I'm headed home in fall. . . it's crazy to know how fast this is all going and exciting to think of home even if I am happy to be here. . . wow 2011 I feel like a lot is going to change and be in store for me.

love and hugs to you all