So, it's September and my one year of being in Ukraine is fastly approaching. In some ways, I can hardly believe that I have been here a year. I feel as if I have only just arrived in Lviv. I feel comfortable and known and my school as if I have the ties that are necessary for valuable work. At the same time, everything still feels fresh. Perhaps it's because it's all repeated action from the things I was doing last semester. Being in a situation when things are repeated should make things feel old and not new, but maybe this is having the opposite effect.
At the same time, today whether because of illness or the chill in my apartment I felt homesick. It happens time and again passing in waves that is a blur between homesickness and just a want for something familiar; something, I experienced before Ukraine. Most days, it's linked to talking with someone from home or feeling that you're missing out on something. It wasn't necessarily like that today. It came to me even earlier than usual when I was first waking. Again, it could've just been wanting someone to take care of me when I'm sick, but I felt the need to be cuddled in blankets in home and not here listening to music and reading books under the familiar glow of the aged yellow lights of the brass lamps of the living room in Naperville.
The winds are colder and with them the promise of winter and a busy schedule taking me sailing. I've felt the newness of working with the older kids this year, and their excitement and ability to speak makes me feel a bit less like I'm teaching and more like I"m sharing. The small kids are still making sure I feel welcomed giving me hugs and small gifts of the in season walnuts they bring to class from their back yards. Nothing like cracking the shell open of the walnuts against the teachers desk to give to your 6 year old students who wouldn't otherwise to be able to open them themselves and in return you're given a grateful and completely honest hug. Kids hug better than adults not doing it out of practice but of sheer joy and happiness to see you. Being mobbed by my students with hugs is one of teh best parts of the day. It's the middle grades I don't know what to do with, the ones that want to take your picture but don't want to be engaged in a conversation with you. Ones that are too cool to hug you and too self conscious to really make an effort. And still there's that bubbling sense of interest in them; that they want to learn but are afraid that they will be exposed as something less than everyone else thinks they should be. Maybe not less but something different.
Getting a feel for this many ages has proven to be difficult. I've worked with all the ages in depth before, but as with all things the cultural differences seems to block any knowledge of how the kids operate. It's funny there are certain things that are so different from American kids. My 2nd graders prefer me to show them a model of drawing on the board or draw for them rather than do it themselves in their own way. When I ask them to draw their mothers most will say, "I can't do it." My response is always, "yes, you can. Just try" They are never too pleased with this. I think of all the times when I've been with young children in the States who relish the chance to draw in their own way, whatever they like. I may have a lot of problems with education in the States, but we do develop a sense of trying and creativity these kids haven't developed. I just want the kids to take risks, to step outside the box, unafraid of the consequences just to say that they tried, but some days I'm afraid they're all captive to the image they're supposed to be upholding. How do you teach someone to take risks, to try something just for the sake of seeing if it will work out, to experiment. How do you get rid of the fear of failure? Something to think about for the next year and a half of my service. Maybe that should be a secondary goal, get my kids to experiment with different ways of doing things other than following the formulas that I think are being shoved down their throats.
Still, the autumn air makes me simultaneously homesick and completely happy.
The winds will blow their own freshness into you,
and the storms their energy,
while cares will drop away from you
like the leaves of Autumn.
this is my winter song
12 years ago
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