there's a note underneath your front door that I wrote 20 years ago. yellow paper and a faded picture and a secret in an envelope

And so it begins: the ups and downs of a summer day in Ukraine

Let's try and go every other for this: but in all honesty, this will be a little heavy on the downs although it's not so much downs and just challenges.

First off: the beginnings of the COS paperwork have been sent out and that is definitely an UP! This means that I'm starting the final paperwork for me to return to America. Heyo!

a down: I was cornered and groped on the city bus on my way to meet my friend in center. This isn't necessarily something that isn't commonplace in fact it very much is commonplace but all the same this one was a tad more aggressive and ended in me having to push the guy and his wandering hands off of me. Sometimes I get tired of it. I suppose that day was just today.

an up: I finished my time with the militia, at least for now. I'm on break until September and I'll be heading tonite actually to Odessa with two of my friends who I hardly ever get to see here!! So I'm looking forward to a warm vacation in the south of Ukraine filled with the joy of lots of laughs and fun times.

a down: Yesterday, was really hot like really really miserable hot. I've taken to sleeping on the floor of my bathroom as it tends to be cooler on tile than in my bathroom, however less comfortable and so the sleep is not as good as it should be, but such is life.

an up: I rode in 2nd class yesterday on the train. Normally, I take 3rd class which is something akin to a cattle car. The best parts about second class: air conditioned and the bed was long enough that my feet didn't stick out and get knocked by people walking by. Also, there were no people walking by because it's a private compartment! Win!

a down: Blythe and I made a recipe out of Baba's cookbook which was absolutely in every way disgusting. . . that always feels like a waste of money

an up: I've been able to successfully sit in Coffee House for 5 hours of free internet without being bothered which I find to be delightful in every way possible. Even better, it's air condtioned.

a down: WE picked up the tshirts yesterday and while this should be an up there were a lot of problems with the way they treated blythe, the shirt sizes and one being damaged. ugh such is life.

an up: I got all the info necessary for my OCS banking info they may actually give me money

I think ending on an up note is good so I'll leave it at that. I'm hoping that next week's entry will be slightly more exciting and include some fabulous details of my vacation to Odessa and my first glimpses of the black sea with Meaghan and Joe!

loveandhugs

hung up in the ivory, both were climbing for a finer cause love can hardly leave the room with your heart

Summer is here. . . and I actually have time off! Can you believe it? I'm not sure I can in all honesty.

SO this entry will be less fun more introspective. It's getting real that we're leaving (have I been saying that for the last three months?) The remnants of the group before us are getting fewer and fewer and we're here as the oldest group in country. More real is that people are starting to look at job opportunities including myself I guess. I started cleaning out my old apartment today. Finishing my large wardrobe and desk. I have a huge bag of clothes and shoes ready for the women's center and a bag for another volunteer and a bag of trash and a bag that will keep me til i leave in hopefully 4 months. I even started packing the small suitcase I'm using with the things I want to bring home. The more I get rid of the better it feels and more manageable for later. Knowing I won't be hauling things all over to get rid of them is a certain sort of comfort.

After meeting up with some PCVs and their parents I've really started to think about the skills I've learned in Ukraine:

Patience and Self Control in my expectations for others: When I lived in America and especially when I was younger I expected everyone to fall into my own timeline. Being in Ukraine has taught me that while realistic goals and timelines are important and sometimes people can take a few more days to stew and the project won't be the worse for it. I don't expect instant gratification, in terms of service, help or anything. Instead, I take control of what I can and let the rest go. I've learned to not act out and rather look into myself when I think about how I'm reacting to a situation. If something bad happens, my reaction time has gone down. It takes a littler longer for me to react and that in some ways is a source of self control.

And so, those are my reflections for today about life in Ukraine and what I've learned thus far. As I think more and more about service I'm sure these will be just the beginning but for now I'm happy, happy to have experienced and learned, happy to have met wonderful supports in my life and happy that this will add to my life for the rest of it.

loveandhugs

Emotional Control: I don't feel anymore that I'm an emotional being. I've realised that my emotional health has steadied here. I dont' react as strongly to anything and my default emotion is contentedness and surprise when things go well. It's a treasured thing to get a smiling person at a store or politeness on the street or professionalism when I'm dealing with businesses. Those small glimmers give me hope for Ukraine.

Deeper Appreciation for America: I don't want it to seem that Ukraine is only badness and so I've learned to treasure what i have at home or something that is good in the day and I can put up with a lot more, but that is indeed the case in some ways. Ukraine isn't only badness, in fact, I find a lot of positive in it. That being said, I've never treasured the way I was raised and the place I was raised in more. I think, I was allowed and encouraged to think for myself and to solve the problems that I encountered on a daily basis with critical thinking skills. I appreciate my education and my civic education and the freedoms I was granted as a child to develop as I wanted.

Living Simply is gratifying: I complain a lot about public transportation, but in all honesty I don't mind the hour I get on the tram to sit and look at the city and just be. I'm so much more comfortable in my own existence. I'm at home with my own thoughts and these days I think of myself as pretty good company for myself. luxuries seem greater when life is simple.

Standing up for myself in personal and professional relationships: I'm still working on this, but thanks to the help of many of my friends in peace corps who have taught, modeled and encouraged me to do this; I feel more confident voicing my needs and standing up for myself and not being afraid to say "No."

I'm really good at being an objective listener and reading people/situation: I think that this is what I've learned in the last few years that has really effected how I interact with people. I have realised that I can really read people and their tendencies, needs, etc. pretty quickly once having met them. That being said, I can read a situation someone is describing to me about a problem as well. I have never felt so trusted by people as I do here and with that I feel a responsibility to that trust. It makes me feel good that this ability can help me put people at ease with me and I can help others.

My face and facial expressions lend people to think I'm a little bit more helpless than I may be: Older people in Ukraine ALWAYS want to help me with things. Whether it's helping me find the right bus or tram or helping me with my tickets or store purchase. They always speak to me with a comfort and care that I associate with family members. Most often I get called sunshine, sometimes ladies sing to me, sometimes they give me a little extra fruit or vegetable for cheaper just because. They always ask me if I'm warm, what I've been doing etc. It's nice to be cared about by strangers in a world that can be kind of harsh.

I've got halos made of summer and ribbons made of spring

The Ways in which Summer has welcomed me back to Ukraine post-familial Italy Visit

1. The smell of the latrine outside my building. Nothing says summer like the stewing smell of a latrine in the heat; makes me feel like Girl Scout Camp all over again. Thanks for the nostalgia friendly neighbor you make waking up at 7 and walking to school that much more like childhood.

2. My first trip back within Ukraine was of course my marshrutka ride home. . . my second was, of course, the tram. Yes, we're back to the beloved tram story. Well, there are two the first was my first tram ride back in country where my tram stopped in the middle of the busiest intersection in town in terms of marshrutka and tram crosspaths. Why you may wonder did my tram stop. Oh, because some one got a little lazy parking and crossed over into the tram line so of course we couldn't move. THe best part really isn't that my tram stopped for so long. It was that my tram driver just laid on the bell, as in ding ding ding goes the trolley bell. After about five minutes of that not working (I know you're shocked) She just decided to get out; so did about half the elderly male population. Some of them tried to move teh car adrenaline style, that didn't work and it set off the alarm. Which also didn't work to call the guy out. Mostly, because everyone in Ukraine has the same generic car alarm anyway. So, after about 7-10 minutes of waiting the guy whose car it is finally gets in and gets it going; old men and trolley driver yelling the whole time. These old men, best part, not even wanting to ride on the tram. After we got going they just kept walking on their way. Thanks for help trying to move the tram dudes I appreciate it!

2b. Tram story number two (don't these make you want to ride the tram) I am riding the tram home from Blythe's and a guy gets on about 2 stops before I get off the tram and sits in front of me he keeps looking back (I figure he's doing it because there's an African guy on the tram and Ukrainians tend to stare at minorities) I'm as always enjoying the soundtrack that is my ipod. I get off the tram and I here some one yelling, "excuse me, excuse me miss, Sorry miss," in Ukrainian. I ignore my soundtrack is going I like to speed walk home it's a nice slightly downhill walk where I don't have to watch out for much (except for the obstacles soon to be mentioned in story 3). So then, I feel a grab at my arm and pull away quickly releasing myself. The guy apologizes and says excuse me about 50 times interrupted by a few good evenings in the middle of the excuse me's. He then tells me not to worry because he's already on his way back to the tram because his stop is actually three stops later (reassuring, sir, reassuring) it definitely makes someone seem less creepy when they tell you not to worry they were just following you off the tram. So he explains that he saw me on the tram and had to follow me off because he felt this desire to get to know me and he's already leaving to get back on the tram but if he could just have my number we could get to know each other. What is my response, "I'm sorry I don't understand you." in my thickest american accent. And so what is the logical response to that obviously, "where are you from?" asked of course in Ukraine. I respond not here (like here like literally this place where I'm standing) he goes, what do you mean not here, I respond not from this place I'm standing not from lviv. I, then, proceed to walk away. He proceeds to not go back to the tram as he promised but instead follows me by about a block behind towards my normally quiet and peaceful walk home.

3. Summer brings a lot of things, new crops of fruit and veggies, new flowers, new weather, new spirit and apparently new roadkill. I know you all really enjoyed the series of suicidal ginger cats. It seems that dead pigeon season has hit lviv. I've counted no less than 8 dead pigeons on my walk to school, tram, center, etc. the past 2 weeks. Thanks Uraine you've really taught me to recognise and appreciate seasonal change, what will I do when I go back to the US without all these markers.

4. Ukrainian men think that summer means that they can approach you and talk to you. Even if you tell them you don't understand anything they're saying and even if they're with their girlfriend. Note story number 2b. Second recommendation: Blythe and I are shopping in the Lviv Opera Market buying some fresh cherries and strawberries (another seasonal sign of summer) and a drunk man is behind us in line. Normally, this is nothing really to worry about but he does stumble a bit so I tell blythe to move closer to me just in case. He notices that I pull blythe over and says, "sorry girls." we ignore and go on our way thinking we are clear of drunk man. We head to the indoor market where he proceeds to stare at us. Blythe tends to get a little more unnerved than I do. So we high tail it out of the market and head towards lunch. We take some winding paths to avoid another creeper on the street who has grabbed me before in public (it's always nice to recognise the creepy men who grab you by face and location! why hello sir, nice to see your aggressively wandering hands again. No but seriously, stay away) So, about 10 minutes later we decide on a place to sit and who comes up but our creepy drunk starer from the market. He sits down and stares you know normal. We are then approached by an ice cream vendor offering us two ice creams as a present. Blythe being the ever keen observer noticed that the creepy man had bought them. what then ensues is an exchange between us and the ice cream. Us saying no thank you, him saying please take them I don't want to throw them away etc. While it is extremely hot out sir, buying an ice cream really makes you seem like a stranger danger sit from kindergarten, but thanks for the gesture. Still not taking it.

4b. Waiting for Blythe at the market a man in a bright orange shirt comes up to me. He goes on a long speech whatever *please note I was wearing my ipod headphones. I tell him I don't understand what he's saying. He apologizes saying that I look sooooo much like a Ukrainian girl he never would've known (not necessarily a compliment). I tell him I don't speak Ukrainian well, he tries in Russian, that doesn't work either. It's a pretty normal exchange minus him telling me how happy he is to meet an American. The only weird thing is he is with his girlfriend like I'm kind of looking at her sometimes as she stands off in the corner and then he asks for my number. I'm not really sure how these things work here in a lot of ways but I'm pretty sure asking for a chicks' number in front of your girlfriend it's pretty inappropro. Holding her hand while walking away makes it awkward for me. . .

And, so, I'm back to the glories of Ukrainian life, including summer uniforms for the police which are no longer super navy dress blue but AWESOME grey linen with matching pants (WIN!)

missall

loveandhugs

You came out of the ocean like you came out of a dream. Your voice, it sounds familiar but you are not what you seem.

A walk home from work on a spring day:

- Weather can make or break a walk. Apparently, so can road construction.

- Let us take a moment to mourn suicidal ginger cat who succeeded in his plan today. In all honesty, I don't know if it was that ginger cat, but a ginger cat was dead on the side of the road. I was walking home and in all honesty, look to your left living cat, look to your right before you almost step on a cat that was almost hit by a car. I'm sad to say this is not the first time I've almost stepped on a dead cat in Ukraine, in fact, not even the second time I've almost stepped on a dead cat. Luckily, I've never made contact. The worst part is now I'll have to really avoid that section of my walk because lord knows no one is picking that thing up and I prefer to watch decomposition on video rather than up close and personal on my daily walks.

- I now realise what it was like for women in the 1910s during world war I that lived near the trenches. They have started to dig a long trench, by they I mean some sort of city workers and or private construction company. There's nothing quite like the feeling of about thirty men lined up digging in a trench when all you can see is about chest up while they ogle, whistle, tell one another that you are passing etc. I'm getting the impression that they feel most comfortable ogling from the trench, less chance of bodily harm that way.

- tomorrow I will be beginning the lessons on medical emergencies with the militia, this means we need to learn parts of the body. This can only end in bad places.

-Any day is made better by the assistance of your ipod. Every day of my life in Ukraine I appreciate my ipod, my ability to download new music, and the volume abilities of my ipod more and more.

- Birdsong is always welcome. As is the appearance of a blanket of crocus and snow drops.

- Today I saw a small boy covered in dirt standing at a gate staring at babas on the sidewalk. Stereotype fulfilled.

welcome to the warmth of the sun and the wonders of a nice wind and breeze

loveandhugs

well you never walk alone and you're forever talking on the phone

Adventures in Tram Riding:

- Admiring the view of spring time suicidal ginger cat looking like it's going to pounce out of the 4th floor circular attic window. In all fairness the others were filled with trash so perhaps it was doing some spring cleaning or mouse hunting among the wreckage, but it looked pretty suicidal to me.

- When riding trams in Lviv; try to avoid the seats that face eachother. creepy men will inevitably sit across from you and mumble at you the entrie ride despite the fact that you have yet to answer anything they have said to you and have strategically placed earphones in your ears. It doesn't matter that my ipod battery ran out 4 stops ago, respect my earphones they are there to deter you from talking to me.

- The number six tram is always crowded from where I live to the south end of town no matter what stop i get on on. I will accept defeat

- Loud obnoxious teenage tourists will always cut in front of you in the "fairy tale line" you're trying to create to buy your ticket. They are cooler than you and no matter your scowl they will not feel guilty. Win one for tourists teenagers lose one for me.

- While waiting at the stop for the tram laughing to yourself perhaps audibly because you saw something that strikes your fancy makes you seem crazy. People, even if your dressed nicely, will assume you are homeless and crazy and won't want to sit next to you on the tram. Lose one for the publics perception of you; win one for extra seat on the tram next to you that no one will take!

- when you are sitting on the tram often the tram vibrates, it's not your phone ringing no matter how many times you check it.

- babas will win in the fight to get up the stairs. they have bags not because they have to cart things but because they are awesome weapons for getting in front of you and the baba will win, she probably has fought for a place in line for apartments, trains, bread etc. for longer than you have been alive surrender to her supremacy

- The feeling of being on a disney world ride d.j.-ed by your own personal ipod soundtrack will never go away. Relish in it, it's WAY better than the crowded bus ipod on only to remain sane while six people are inappropriately rubbing against you soundtrack.

- you're probably going to have to wait anywhere from 10minutes to 40 minutes for the tram to come. It's a really nice time for self reflection and enjoying the comedy that is wild dogs guarding random buildings and barking at strangers.

- Always remember to punch your ticket in the puncher watching other people get cornered by the control check babas is fun from afar but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that probably wouldn't be fun for you. that being said nothing like the mellodrama of a 17 yr old student crying so that she doesn't have to pay the fine as they escort her off the tram. It's like watching days of our lives but in a language I dont' really understand. I fill it in with what I think is appropriate like, "but I love horatio why must I get off this tram so I can't meet him." "He is the father of your cousins baby you cannot be with him." "I will take my milk and smetana and other groceries from the grandmothers that would've been our wedding feast and find a new tram to him." "no we will corner you even outside until you give us your documents we will save you yet." Commercial interlude, by commercial I mean the tram keeps going and my ability to insert dialogue is gone.

Thanks Lviv Tram system you make any day better because I know you present the option for me to not only save 1 grv per ride but avoid smelly standing in the marshrutkas. Here's to you !

where is my wild rose where is my flower where is my wild rose where are you rambling

There is something about a spring day. . . a spring day that will tickle your face with its soft fingers, fill your lungs with some sort of magic warmth after a bitter cold that left them feeling empty and frozen and sprinkle its melting water on you as you walk through the city needing the small drops of the last vestiges of winter to bring you back down to earth so that you may reconnect with teh warmth of the newness you were forgetting in your daze.

Today was arguably the first real day that it felt like spring and I was able to venture out into the city with just my fall coat on, no gloves, hat, etc. It's amazing what fresh air and sunlight can do to the soul. It's even more interesting how different Ukrainians react to it than I do. Most people I saw, though, of course, there were exceptions were in the same coats, hats etc. they would be in in the dead of winter although today was somewhere around 50/55 degrees. Such is life, well such is life here. I picked up a pair of sunglasses in honour of the beginning of warm weather.

What can I say about life in Ukraine. Life is . . . . busy? I recently had a site visit from my new regional manager which went a lot better than i had expected. I have to say that she's extremely excited and supportive about the work being done by all the PCVs in Ukraine and I think she's right on about nipping all the bad talk amongst volunteers in the bud. She had great feedback for my lessons and was really happy with my work. It was nice after hearing all the volunteer buzz that someone from the office likes my work, thinks I'm a good example of a peace corps teacher and is happy with my overall commitment to Peace corps. Proof again, that everyone's experience here is different and doesn't have to involve the same experiences.

School life at my school of primary assignment is good and bad. Good because most of my classes are going well and bad because everyone is dying for spring break which thank goodness is a week away and the kids are getting spring fever and I can tell the older grades are starting to check out. The nice part about the week of spring break being where it is is that this week I teach 4 days. Then I don't have to see the kids for teh week and then it's almsot april which makes life a whole lot more bearable.

My secondary work at the banking institute continues to go well although it's still early and so there hasn't really been time for any issues to crop up in all honesty. The classes are good and the students are motivated to learn which helps makes me feel a bit more useful than just doing whatever.

My work at the militia is progressing as best as possible. Minus the weekly surprise visits from some random news outlet i would say that all in all its been a rewarding experience to get to work with the adults in the town. I'm seen as a small girl not capable of much, but they challenge themselves to learn the phrases and questions I put ahead of them and I find it flattering to know that they put the effort in to learn where they definitely didn't before. It's good work and maybe some tourist will have an easier time because I was able to help with some English.

My peace corps work isn't taking over but has increased a hundred fold since fall. I'm now co-facilitating the regional collaborative, doing warden stuff, writing a piece for a young learners' manual, doing some presentations at the meet your neighbor meeting about collab and warden info and trying to organize so oblast wide social outings and volunteering outside of our primary organizations.

And so that leads to the rest of life here in Ukraine. With just about 8 months to go I find myself wondering where the time went while simultaneously amping up about my future in America. The best part about spring coming is that it has granted me the greatest gift of all distraction. Although I must say, I've been somewhat disappointed that it hasn't come all at once. That the leaves and the fresh vegetables and flowers of spring haven't started bursting out of nowhere on teh first day of warmth just because the sun has come out. I suppose they're a little more like Ukrainians in that way. It takes a few weeks for them to shed their layers and start emerging in spring wear and excitement. I have a countdown to Italy going something like 60 days left until I head out to meet up with my family . . . unreal is all I can say about that. Unreal.

so there it is for now. Nothing too new or exciting. I've started to dream about america and then when I'm conscious I get scared of going back. . . such is the dichotomy of the transition I suppose.

loveandhugs toall

and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know

I know it's amazing two blog updates in one month, let alone one week.

The past week has been a daze of running around. Not that I don't mind being busy, but hours upon hours have been added to my schedule the past few weeks not allowing for anytime for me to really experience anything more than needing to be "on" and fighting back constant fatigue. I suppose it's normal for people in this position and I try not to let it ruin my mood. Being busy can only serve to make me more productive or at least I would hope.

Most peace corps volunteers seem to fill time with projects and working groups; tv and movies; books and work and travel. I do all of this too, well maybe minus projects BUT the thing that I've found most fulfilling in peace corps has been the personal growth I've been able to accomplish. I've learned to balance social life with work life. I've learned to turn it on, learned to support other people in their own dreams and mostly I've learned that just being friendly and smiling has done more for my work here than anything I could've ever done in the classroom. I feel that way with peace corps volunteers too. Peace Corps Ukraine or at least the volunteers sometimes feels a little bit like middle school, and for all the goodness that having so many volunteers in one country brings, I feel like sometimes it does a lot to undercut people's confidence in themselves and the work they are doing. I know I'm not the best teacher in peace corps, there are far more people who are much more skilled than I am and implement things much better than I do. That being said, I feel much worse about myself when I hear other people's views of what I'm doing. I know that I'm social, I arrange get togethers. But most of this is for the sake of getting to know people and letting them know that they have someone they can talk to and who will listen without judging their projects. That I think is rare in peace corps. If I could leave one imprint on my students it would be to work for their country if I could leave one imprint on my community it would be the value of happiness in every day life and if I could leave one imprint on the peace corps community it would be to take a step outside yourself and look to support those around you and encourage teamwork among volunteers.

These days I've gotten another bout of homesickness, these seem to coincide most times with a group either having their COS conference and/or leaving. Seems normal that someone else heading home would put that into my head. This time it's the last group to leave before my group heads out. I'm amazed at how many of us there still are. 101 volunteers from my group still active out of I think 114/117 who swore in. It's unreal to me that we haven't lost more. I wonder if more will leave for grad school. I know there are some people who openly voice that they will. But I will hold on hope to be reunited with those who mean the most to me at our COS conference. And meanwhile, I'll be fighting through the homesickness until May when I'm reunited with the family. How unreal is that, only 3 short months until I see them.

loveandhugs to all