and now my heart stumbles on things i don't know

I know it's amazing two blog updates in one month, let alone one week.

The past week has been a daze of running around. Not that I don't mind being busy, but hours upon hours have been added to my schedule the past few weeks not allowing for anytime for me to really experience anything more than needing to be "on" and fighting back constant fatigue. I suppose it's normal for people in this position and I try not to let it ruin my mood. Being busy can only serve to make me more productive or at least I would hope.

Most peace corps volunteers seem to fill time with projects and working groups; tv and movies; books and work and travel. I do all of this too, well maybe minus projects BUT the thing that I've found most fulfilling in peace corps has been the personal growth I've been able to accomplish. I've learned to balance social life with work life. I've learned to turn it on, learned to support other people in their own dreams and mostly I've learned that just being friendly and smiling has done more for my work here than anything I could've ever done in the classroom. I feel that way with peace corps volunteers too. Peace Corps Ukraine or at least the volunteers sometimes feels a little bit like middle school, and for all the goodness that having so many volunteers in one country brings, I feel like sometimes it does a lot to undercut people's confidence in themselves and the work they are doing. I know I'm not the best teacher in peace corps, there are far more people who are much more skilled than I am and implement things much better than I do. That being said, I feel much worse about myself when I hear other people's views of what I'm doing. I know that I'm social, I arrange get togethers. But most of this is for the sake of getting to know people and letting them know that they have someone they can talk to and who will listen without judging their projects. That I think is rare in peace corps. If I could leave one imprint on my students it would be to work for their country if I could leave one imprint on my community it would be the value of happiness in every day life and if I could leave one imprint on the peace corps community it would be to take a step outside yourself and look to support those around you and encourage teamwork among volunteers.

These days I've gotten another bout of homesickness, these seem to coincide most times with a group either having their COS conference and/or leaving. Seems normal that someone else heading home would put that into my head. This time it's the last group to leave before my group heads out. I'm amazed at how many of us there still are. 101 volunteers from my group still active out of I think 114/117 who swore in. It's unreal to me that we haven't lost more. I wonder if more will leave for grad school. I know there are some people who openly voice that they will. But I will hold on hope to be reunited with those who mean the most to me at our COS conference. And meanwhile, I'll be fighting through the homesickness until May when I'm reunited with the family. How unreal is that, only 3 short months until I see them.

loveandhugs to all

I was raised up believing I was somehow unique like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes

So here we are and it is mid February and I can hardly believe it. The winter has passed faster than I could have imagined at its outset as I dreaded the short days and long nites of bitter cold and snow. And so far, while there have been challenges the world seems to be softening under the warm temperatures and regular appearances of sunlight glistening between bare branches.

It is amazing how changed my life is from last winter. I walk to school now after a change of living situation following the incident at my old place. And now, I find that my mornings have a new sense of peace and quiet to them I never had when I was merely alone in my apartment. The feeling of walking every day to work allows me a sense of me time that was heretofore not a part of my life except in the small doses of walks to wherever I may have to go that day. I will say that the ability to enjoy this time comes mostly from the fact that I have my ipod. I remember once I listened to Ben Stein speak at my university and he spoke about how spoiled teh current generation is and he referenced the fact that not even the richest most privileged kings of past could carry a symphony with them wherever they went. I immediately thought of Handel and his water music to make the kind of perhaps argument of the first prototype of trying to have an ipod with you. Nevertheless, he's right, it's a kind of luxury that hasn't been imagined before and teh ability to create my own universe inside teh shared universe I live in has become a mainstay in my life here and of course in America too. It's the one way I feel like I can block out the hustle and bustle of life in the modern world. Odd that it takes a piece of modern technology to get me into the Zen place of disconnect. I suppose that's something that a lot of people are searching for in their spiritual lives. I find it in music and given my past it doesn't surprise me that that's the venue where it is most possible.

Life is twisting and turning and I feel with a new sense of urgency the need to start thinking about my readjustment to the states. one can only live in teh moment for so long when an international move is on the horizon. I met some other Americans the other day, wives of basketball players who play on teh European scene specifically Lviv. I felt like america and all its personalities was shoved in my face and I felt the need to decompress afterwards feeling a little scared and a little put off while feeling a little bit at home with it. I live some how in this in between; I'm not fully American in my ways and I'm definitely not fully Ukrainian and so I'm living in teh borderlands of two cultures both of which scare me in some senses. I worry sometimes about my readjustment; my change of expectations and the worries of information dumps that are surely awaiting me. It's gotten to the point here, as I'm sure i've said that I don't know what I'm missing, I dont' remember what things are like in some sense and I don't know exactly what I should be expecting. The girls I was with yesterday had an ipad. I've never even seen one in person. I've read about them a little, but other than that my knowledge is about the same as a person who's seen a picture of a television but has never watched one. Somedays I feel like a luddite. A little afraid of technology and wary of its presence in my life.

Here's to the next 9 months of preparing and getting myself ready for my next adventure and for finding a little solace now and again in the simplicity of music.

hugsandlove to all