The taillights burn red, they're hotter than hell, I've been long gone or couldn't you tell

So here we are. My last day of teaching. I'm looking around my pepto-bismol pink room that has been my home for two years thinking I've never seen so few things in here. My life has been condensed down to a red suitcase of middling size, a rust colored bookbag and a few plastic bags holding things which will soon leave my possession. What does it feel like to complete my service? I feel good, lost, confused, and a whole lot of other emotions that I can't really pin down. I'm leaving a life I've become accustomed to despite its challenges, errors and flat out backwardness. I don't know what I'll do not knowing how to get around in my space; how to define what it is I'm doing. But I know that there are those here who love me and want to see me. Some quotes from my kids this week;

"It would be easier to say goodbye to you if I were in 11th form and leaving school with you."
"If we're well-behaved in class today will you come back to us?"
"I'm going to miss you Miss Kari."
Reply after me asking a first grader if everythign was ok after he came up to me and just pressed his head against me, "NO! it's not ok, you're leaving. Who's going to teach us English?"

I'm going to miss my kids and have found myself crying a few days this week; there's a love there I can't explain. I'm going to miss walking the hallways and hearing hellos and getting hugs and seeing people genuinely excited to see me everyday. I'm going to miss calling my friends and laughing about Ukraine. I'm going to miss taking the tram to see people in center and meet for drinks and talk about our weeks. I'm going to miss giong to the bazaar with Druzhka and buying fresh vegetables and talking to babusiyas.

I'm sad to leave, I really am, and yet I know it's the best decision I could have made. Extending would've made me miserable. And I'm leaving with some really wonderful memories about what is happening here. I'm not sure what will happen to Ukraine in the future, but I know that my students will do wonderful things. I hope they will be the salvation for this country, but who can predict a thing like that..

So, the bags are packed, the celebrations had and planned and here I am in the interim waiting to see what my life will look like in my home country. A place I haven't really "lived" in 4 years. I'm looking forward to our reunion America, I hope I can find your secrets too. I hope I can start a new life there.

until we're reunited hugsandlove

I heard it on the radio that one day we'll be living in the stars

Days til COS medical and Halloween: 16
Days til I leave Lviv: 34
Days til my COS: 37
Days til America: 42

There's a lot to do these last few weeks: parties, paperwork, packing and a whole lot of goodbyes.

How does it feel this close to COS? Surreal. I'm not sure what the future will bring for me and I'm ok with not being completely organized with my life going home. Leaving an experience like this is difficult because you can't imagine your life in any other situation. It's similar to the feeling of coming to peace corps only you're not filled with the ideas of a new place, language etc.

I think sometimes what I would tell someone applying to peace corps or someone who has just found out that they're coming to Ukraine. What would I say to help them along?

In all honesty, I'm not sure there's anything that you can say over-archingly to prepare someone for it. There's so much about Ukraine that is so specific and living here is a real challenge in a lot of ways for someone from the American mentality. I don't think I could've better prepared for my experience here, a lot of living in peace corps is just learning as you go; and I don't think any one person is more prepared than any other. When I think of me two years ago, I would've told myself to chill out about the language. It will come, though it will be difficult. As one of my friends said when we were talking two weeks ago, no one has a bad or good experience in peace corps based on language skills. We all do enough to have a good experience and language won't tip the scales one way or the other, it generally just ends up being a status symbol.

You will survive. Whether it's village life or riding a really crowded marshrutka those moments are temporary and you will survive. Your service will be made of small small moments and you won't remember most of those tiny moments. My memory of Ukraine will always include the bad smells and crowded marshrutkas, but it will include a whole lot of other things that have nothing to do with my struggle in daily life.

I'm making it seem like life here is a battle and it is in so many ways, it's not that that's a negative thing. Americans always have a negative connotation with struggle. I find it to be challenging, stimulating and I feel like in some ways I get a real taste of life outside of teh first world here. I view life as a battle here, I really do and often express to my friend if I feel like I'm winning the battle or Ukraine is winning. Most days I am, but there are spurts where Ukraine can get me day after day. But winning feels really really good.

So, people coming to Ukraine, be ready to fight and struggle and be ready to be challenged. Love all the moments you are surrounded by those who care enough about you to help you through the struggle. Make an effort every day to make a good impression on those around you. My best story of the week comes from the secretary at my school. She told me she was waiting for a bus and had seen me walking in the center of town with a group of friends. We were hanging around a statue waiting for a friend to join us and my friends and I were joking and laughing and running around. She told me she had seen me laughing and smiling and it changed her whole day. She thought it was so wonderful how happy I was and how I was enjoying being with people I loved and wasn't afraid of showing that publicly. Sometimes, I think the best gift we can bring as Americans is a sense of positivity in an otherwise doubtful and malcontent world. I'm proud that the thing people will remember about me here is my kindness and my positivity. That's a pretty big accomplishment. We can all bring something about ourselves that is uniquely american, our work ethic etc. Do your best to figure out what it is you want to show to the people you interact with; that's the best preparation you can do for peace corps and maybe for life too. 

I've been a fool and I"ve been blind I can never leave the past behind

So here we are, the countdowns that is.

Days til COS medical and Halloween trip: 30
Days til I leave Lviv: 48
Days til I leave Ukraine: 51
Days til I'm back in the US: 56

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of me moving to Ukraine. Two years. Today, I did word association with a friend to ask her what she thought of first when she heard two years. She said she didn't have a word, only a faint feeling of wanting some sort of ethnic food. She returned the favour and asked me what my association was with two years. My response: awkward. I told her awkward can sum up about 95% of my life in Ukraine. I'm either feeling awkward, feeling awkward for someone else or just in general realising that the situations I find myself in on a daily basis are really awkward. For example, today about 15 of my students separately came up and petted me because my hair was curly. I appreciate their love, but mistaking me for an animal in a petting zoo makes me feel, you guessed it, awkward.

I wanted to write a story about my new 70 year old boyfriend Pan Roman. He's an old man who somehow met some peace corps volunteers in the middle of lviv. Wanting to get to know them better or talk to them he contacted the local government and got them to tell him where all the peace corps volunteers are. Well, not all, needless to say my name was on his list and he's been calling my school since April or so trying to talk to me in English...not for very long of course, but long enough for him to want to meet me. Pan Roman had been telling me every time I talked to him that he was "an old man, well not old but I will say middle aged." Pan Roman also called my school twice a week during summer to see if he could catch me at the time when I was there. He finally got a hold of me the second day of school to resume our conversations that had been going on in the spring. I agreed to meet pan Roman in center on a sunday afternoon and brought my friend, Blythe, along with me. We had exchanged numbers earlier so that if there were an emergency he could call my cell phone as I wouldn't be at school on a Sunday. And so, he had proceeded to call me that Friday night while I was at teh bar with friends to ask me about the name Daniel in English and to say he hoped I wasn't too bored in Lviv. I assured him I had friends and that he didn't need to worry.

On Sunday, he called about 2 hours before our meeting to tell me what he was wearing and to tell me that he walked with a cane. Blythe and I walk down to the center to meet him. I see an older man with a cane and a dark blue tshirt start smiling when he sees two girls obviously not Ukrainian walking up to him and starts saying, "america? America?" Pan Roman as sweet as he is had been lying to me; he was most definitely not middle aged he was most definitely around 70 years old. Nevertheless, I help him up off the bench he was sitting on and walk him while he holds my arm for balance to a cafe nearby with blythe walking near us. Blythe had asked me earlier how I had gotten to know him and I responded with the truth, "in all honesty, I'm not really sure how he found me. He just started calling and I never really knew how he got the number or anything."

We sit down with Pan Roman to discuss anything in English really while he buys us coffee and syrnyky (little cheese pancakes) He must have felt so proud sitting down with two young American girls. He ordered for us and pat the waiter on his hip in a somewhat knowing or charming manner. Blythe and I tried our best to keep giggles in. Upon getting his syrnyky covered in a sweetened sour cream he accidentally dumped his hand into the cream and when blythe alerted him to this he immediately started licking it up and says to us with a smile and a wink, "like a cat, no?" We talked for awhile about how he found me, his health, his life in Ukraine, our lives in Ukraine. A few highlights, Pan Roman's comment, "i have so much money and nothing to spend it on." I suppose this is the reason he wanted to take out two american girls. He also asked us if we were married or in love. He told us that all love is suffering. Blythe asked him if he had ever been in love. His response, "once when I was 20. She was married to a Russian officer. I may have caused problems there." Obviously, they did not married. But Pan Roman followed that up with the mention of his wife. I suppose we don't all marry for love. He also talked about learning English saying, "The best way to learn English is to marry an American woman. You will be so scared when she is yelling at you that you will have to learn what she is saying." Pan Roman also told us we could be late, "because your boys will wait for you." All in all it was a great time at the cafe He recited poems and limericks making sure I had copied down some and memorized others by heart to retell and teach to my students. We walked him back over to his bench and he took pictures with us. He told us that he was going to join his friends to play poker, but he didn't play with russians because they are cunning and will find a way to win. He handed me two reader's digest and let us go on our way.

A few days later, he called to make sure I had found the chocolate and talk again about our meeting and about life in Ukraine. This week he called to tell me a few things, one that he has a hard time sleeping and so he is goign to call me later at night. So you know, he had called at 10:00p and may be calling around then later. Also, to tell me that he had been thinking about Blythe and I. He had decided that Blythe was strong and clever and I was soft and so he worried about me in Ukraine and wanted to take care of me and of course give me more 10 year old readers digest.

Pan Roman has become a fixture of phone conversation these days. It's nice to know that every week I'll get a phone call or two from an older man who cares about me and just wants to talk to me before I leave. He is sad that we are leaving and I can tell he would've been so happy to talk to me during my whole service, but such is life we do what we have the opportunity to do. But for now, I have a wonderful 70 year old boyfriend who calls me regularly, brings me chocolate and readers digests and cares that I'm doing ok. I count myself pretty lucky, even if it is only for two and a half months. 

let the only sounds be the overflow pockets full of stones

So, numbers here they are

Days til my close of service physical exam: 38 days

Days til I leave Lviv: 66

Days til I leave Ukraine: 69

Days til I am in the United States: 74

appts. scheduled with peace corps office in the last 2 days: 12

appts. still to schedule with the peace corps office: 3

appts still to have with peace corps apart from those scheduled: at least 3

So, the words here they are. . .

I'm leaving, leaving sooner rather than later. And I'm in the midst of doing everything to get ready to do that leaving. What does leaving peace corps feel like. . . a little like coming to peace corps, a little more stressful (the feeling of real life is pounding on that door), a little less American ( I feel that way, I am that way), the want to rediscover what America is and what it means. . . people always say peace corps taught them to live with less, I find it makes people want more. Like, Peace corps has taught you that you can live without a car, but chances are after 3 hour marshrutka rides you really want that car these days. I could be wrong.

How am I feeling: Good, accomplished, so far on top of the tasks that need to be accomplished. My DOS is two paragraphs from being finished, my site evaluation form is already finished and the majority of my paperwork is yes finished. Or at least, finished as much as it can be until October.

How are my students feeling: You're leaving in November and never coming back? NOT EVEN FOR LAST BELL????? How about you extend your contract? My go to response is the following, "my mom would be really mad if I didn't come home." A world where you do not want to come back to Ukraine doesn't exist for my kids.

How is it getting a schedule with students you like working with AWESOME: I'm currently teaching younger kids english (bonus they're way more fun to work with so 1-5 grade english) AND 5-11 grade French. Now if the hours get moved around next week so I have Fridays off and no class Thursday so I can work with the militia I'll be ecstatic! Updates on that later. If I've learned one thing in Peace Corps it's that during these two months I have the right to say nope sorry can't do it; I just can't do it.

My fifth form is loving French so much. I want all of them to be little polyglots. I suppose they already are, they know ukrainian and russian and a decent amount of English. Now french and they speak the universal language of hugs and stickers too.

This is a throw away blog about numbers and such. One I've been waiting to do for a long time. The next one I promise will be more pensive maybe even more entertaining.

loveandhugs

left the vagabonds a trail of stones forward to find my way home

Late summer realizations:

I prefer hanging out on my wood floor over my bed or chair. I'm not sure if this is because the chair and bed are that uncomfortable or that I've gotten so used to stiff, ill made chairs and beds that the floor actually feels like the luxe edition of the furniture. Sometimes, I feel like the caveman character people find who can't go to bed in the modern furniture and much prefers to sleep outside on the ground. . . that being said, if my wood floor is luxe, the fivestar suite is my tile bathroom floor.

Listening to more modern electro music a la passion pit and friendly fires immediately makes me feel like I should be shopping in a gap. Listening to anything with an accordion, brass band and clarinet makes me feel like I should be riding a bus or getting off a train. . . music dislexia or rather misappropriation.

I understand way too much of ukrainian, russian and other slavic languages to not notice when it slips into american pop culture like movies, tv shows, etc which is a surprisingly high amount. It only slightly ruins it and slightly makes it better. Polish still just sounds like Ukrainian with extra sh sh sh sh sounds.

I feel a kinship to people who lived in gulags which is borderline inappropriate given the fact that I've never suffered any kind of political oppression or soviet regime. But, you know, some similarities.

I'm surprised when my beer, water, coke and or anything that would normally be cold is cold. And, I'm not talking when it's really cold I'm talking when it's slightly refrigerated above room temperature I get surprised and feel the need to comment to other people. I'm so excited for ice and tap water I can hardly stand it.

I can tune into someone having an English conversation from about 20-30 feet away. This skill is going to make me an ultra creeper when I get back to America. I can pick out non-Ukrainians almost as well as a native ukrainian. Integration - check!

I miss home, I want to go to there. Today a girl who has applied for the same day as I have posted that it's 100 days until the hopeful COS date. That means America in less than 110. Egatz!

loveandhugstoall

but falling into my bed at night I think man it was a beautiful day to stay the same

Adventures in Odessa and Novodnistrovsk:

Once Upon a Time I took a trip with my two friends and fellow PCVs Joe and Meaghan.

Scene 1: Meeting in Kyiv. Joe took the GRE and Meaghan lives close by to Kyiv. We met at a pizza restaurant where Meaghan and I bragged about how much squash bread we had made. She made it with Kabachok (a light green zucchini like thing) me with pumpkin.

Scene 2: the train we all talked and made our beds rejoicing in our newish train car that had a window that opened. The ukrainian in the one bunk we didn't use closed it during the night. Joe being awesome opened it and stuffed his pillow in the way so the Ukrainian couldn't close it all the way. THe Ukrainian promptly wrapped his head in a turban like sweatshirt to not get the draft at night. Score one for train car comfortability.

Scene 3: Arrival in Odessawe tiredly walk to the hostel where I immediately scope out the shower and we hang around til we decide it's time for an adventure

Scene 4: Thai restaurant. Joe's never had thai, the closest he's had is american chinese food. He looks freaked. He's a good sport and rocks some chicken noodles. Meaghan and I delight and people watch and teach Joe about the importance of a bra that fits and is supportive. Joe feels like we've ruined boobs for him. I feel like he can take it, so does Meaghan, we show him no pity

Scene 5: Hostel owner tries to get us to come to a Ukrainian dinner that his gf's mother cooks it's 100 grv way over priced. Then he tells us people backed out so they need more. We slyly sneak out and have georgian food instead (WITH CILANTRO AND SPICE) also georgian lemonade is delicious bring it to lviv!

Scene 6: We walk around town all day. We find the special chair from Soviet movie that I don't really remember what it's about something about riches being stored in chairs. This explains more abotu how ukrainians save things than I would care to explain. We see men with mail order girlfriends a common thing in Odessa, it annoys us. We admire how beautiful and clean the city is and love the diversity. We go to the large bazaar which is SO clean. Meaghan gets an amazing shirt that says, "say me yes." We both buy captains hats for our friends at home.

Scene 7: we walk to the seaside port and see the wonders of the famous steps of odessa, apparently also in a soviet film. we get some gelato and enjoy along our walk.

Scene 8: Meaghan and I decide to go to the bar with some other english speakers. Bar has american atmosphere. Meaghan and I "hold court" aka getting surrounded by men who want to stand by us and talk nonsense considering my ukrainian might be better than theirs and they some can't speak english. Thus begins a 2 hour attempt to get us to play alligator (russian charades?) and them buying us lots of drinks. "I'm Irish, can't you tell I have a red beard and a hat." I didn't know that was the requirement but there it is

Scene 9: We wake up and bring meaghan to the train station after a thrilling round of jeopardy games that amused everyone in the common room including the hostel owner. Being the coolest people in the hostel is tough. Train station highlights include playing charades with Meaghan through the window and seeing a man with a fanny pack shaped pocket on the back of his jeans. Why did I not get a picture. . maybe joe did? Then we saw a typical eastern european brass band with clarinet etc. in navy gear greeting the train from Moscow

Scene 10: Joe and I leave Odessa

End Act I - Odessa

THe rest of the trip was hanging and laughing with Joe.

If you ever come to Ukraine as I'm sure all of you will. I highly suggest Odessa as a destination! Delightful

Coming home updates:

COS date requested

COS packet received

COS Conference in T-minus 18 days

loveandhugstoall

there's a note underneath your front door that I wrote 20 years ago. yellow paper and a faded picture and a secret in an envelope

And so it begins: the ups and downs of a summer day in Ukraine

Let's try and go every other for this: but in all honesty, this will be a little heavy on the downs although it's not so much downs and just challenges.

First off: the beginnings of the COS paperwork have been sent out and that is definitely an UP! This means that I'm starting the final paperwork for me to return to America. Heyo!

a down: I was cornered and groped on the city bus on my way to meet my friend in center. This isn't necessarily something that isn't commonplace in fact it very much is commonplace but all the same this one was a tad more aggressive and ended in me having to push the guy and his wandering hands off of me. Sometimes I get tired of it. I suppose that day was just today.

an up: I finished my time with the militia, at least for now. I'm on break until September and I'll be heading tonite actually to Odessa with two of my friends who I hardly ever get to see here!! So I'm looking forward to a warm vacation in the south of Ukraine filled with the joy of lots of laughs and fun times.

a down: Yesterday, was really hot like really really miserable hot. I've taken to sleeping on the floor of my bathroom as it tends to be cooler on tile than in my bathroom, however less comfortable and so the sleep is not as good as it should be, but such is life.

an up: I rode in 2nd class yesterday on the train. Normally, I take 3rd class which is something akin to a cattle car. The best parts about second class: air conditioned and the bed was long enough that my feet didn't stick out and get knocked by people walking by. Also, there were no people walking by because it's a private compartment! Win!

a down: Blythe and I made a recipe out of Baba's cookbook which was absolutely in every way disgusting. . . that always feels like a waste of money

an up: I've been able to successfully sit in Coffee House for 5 hours of free internet without being bothered which I find to be delightful in every way possible. Even better, it's air condtioned.

a down: WE picked up the tshirts yesterday and while this should be an up there were a lot of problems with the way they treated blythe, the shirt sizes and one being damaged. ugh such is life.

an up: I got all the info necessary for my OCS banking info they may actually give me money

I think ending on an up note is good so I'll leave it at that. I'm hoping that next week's entry will be slightly more exciting and include some fabulous details of my vacation to Odessa and my first glimpses of the black sea with Meaghan and Joe!

loveandhugs